Not All Memories Are Good

 We all have them. Memories we don't want to remember...but do. One of my worse I remember is the day I told the doctors I wanted to die, and I was serious! The ambulance had taken me to the hospital because I was having a respiratory exasperation. I've had them before. In fact, this was the 3rd time this month I was in ER because of it. But this time was so much worse. 

Now I love my sons immensely and will do anything possible so they do not have to suffer or experience deep sorrow. I know. It's part of life and I shouldn't try to shield my children from it but it's the parent in me that doesn't want to see them hurt. My youngest son wasn't even 13 yet and the other was almost 24. That previous summer we had experienced the sorrow when our life-long pet dog had died, but how do you prepare them for your own death?

But I was gasping for air. It was taking every little bit of strength I had just to inhale one tiny, little, wisp of air. And again, every ounce of strength I had to exhale a short puff of air. I clearly could not breath and was suffering more so than ever before. I was getting weaker and weaker and profusely miserable and getting worse every minute. I'd like to think the doctors had everything in control but I didn't see it. I'll never forget the moment the words came out of my mouth; "I want to die. Please, help me. I can't take it any longer. I just want to die!" I was scared. I chose dying as being less painful than seeing my boys suffer.

The Only Place To Sleep

 I did a bit of hitchhiking in my mid to late teens. It was the thing to do in those times. One particular time while hitchhiking to California, I wound up at a rest area, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night, in pouring rain. My first thought for shelter was to hunker down under a picnic table, but apparently, some other hitchhiker had the same thought and beat me to it. With no other option for refuge from the rain, I reluctantly took to the floor in the men's restroom. In the far corner of the restroom, on the floor, by the door of the last stall. Thoughts of the countless things that could happen to me that would be a good premise of a good horror flick, but too tired to care, it didn't take me long top fall asleep. I don 't know how long I slept or what time it was but I remember waking up to someone using that last stall. I remember hearing the grunting sounds and the smell, but still worried he might be one of those weirdos you hear about when sitting around the campfire telling scary stories. I pretended to be asleep. It kept the boogie man away when I was a young child, maybe it will work again. It did.

A Chapter Begins in Fargo

 This might be a post I frequent to add to, as I've several memories in Fargo. How I wound there is a different story but it was rough starting out. Unemployed. Homeless. Only knew a couple people there, neither of which were in a position to help me much. I was an active Christian during this period, going to church Sundays and bible study classes Wednesday nights. Desperate, I asked the pastor if I could sleep in one of the vacant classrooms in the basement of the church while I looked for work. Thank God he agreed and equally thankful I didn't have to stay there long. It may be contradictive that I found it spooky to be in this tiny, dark room in the basement of this small church late at night when all was quiet. I don't remember how long I stayed there. A couple weeks at least.

Times were hard. I spent days in a restaurant drinking coffee and reading help-wanted ads in the newspaper (pre-PC times). Food was small snacks I could afford from the convenience stores. I bathed in the restroom of a gas station and tried to keep one set of clothes clean and neatly folded so I looked presentable at interviews. 

Throwin snow

It took some doing but I finally remembered my username and password to my blog. Now I hope to do less Farmville and more blogging.

I bought my first snowblower this year. Obviously the best year to have one. I am in Des Moines, Ia. and the winter has been unusually brutal.

I never bought one before because I kept saying, "My grandfather lived on a farm his whole life and never owned a snowblower. My father grew up in the midwest and never owned a snowblower until he was nearly 40. I called shoveling "good exercise" and a requirement to keeping young and healthy. But due to my age and my disabled back, I broke down and bought one last fall.

I remember living in Cedar Falls during my early and teen years. Our huge house sat on a corner lot and my job was to shovel, as well as mow. I also remember shoveling the elderly people's house and driveway next door, as well as the sidewalks of a couple relatives around town. I remember one year at a relative of my mom's, the snow was drifted nearly 5 foot after a particular snowstorm. I remember feeling like I was in a tunnel with the walls of snow on either side of me and how hard it was to throw the snow up and over the high drifts to get it off the sidewalk. I was perhaps 12 or 13 at the time and, though I did have the option of doing the shoveling or not, I did it all without complaining. Nowadays, I credit that type of work with the ethics and character I now possess. 

Overweight

I drove semi trucks long haul and short haul for 24 years before changing careers. I remember unloading in Springfield, Illinois one morning. My next load was dispatched to be picked up in Indiana that afternoon. It was a nice morning and I was in no hurry so instead of taking the bypass around the city, I opted to take the business route through the city and take in the urban sites. Mistake. Maneuvering my empty 48 foot flatbed behind my long nose Pete through the narrow city streets, I turned a corner and found myself looking at a small bridge with a 5 ton embargo on it. My truck and trailer are nearly 70 foot long and virtually no place to stop or turn around. The bridge looked fairly solid - made of concrete and mortared block. I took a deep breath, grabbed another gear and slid over the bridge. On the other side, as if he was waiting for me in the bushes, was a commercial motor vehicle officer or, DOT man. Of course his lights went on as he pulled out behind me, signaling me to stop. Busted!. Even empty, my truck and trailer weighed in at close to 30,000 pounds. After a brief conversation and pleading all the alibis I could muster, I was instructed to follow him all the way back to the other side of town where another motor vehicle inspector was waiting with a portable set of scales.

More later.... 

Overweight - Part II

On the other side of town, I was weighed on a set of portable truck scales and found to be, oh I don't know, several tons overweight on that tiny 5-ton embargoed bridge. My fine: $3,000! I had to call my company and ask one of the VIPs to send the money for my, and the truck's, release. They did. I paid the fine and went on my way. A month or so later, I appeared in court, plead guilty to a lesser charge, and was refunded $1,500. Lots better but still a costly lesson.

My First Computer

 I remember my first computer. I purchased it from OfficeMax for about $300. November 1998. Fargo, ND.

Welcome Back

 Shazaam! Found this dusty old blog in the attic and decided I now have time to pick up where I left off...which was basically nowhere anyway. If you're a new visitor, Welcome! I hope you find my blog interesting enough to add it to your favorites and follow along. If you find me slacking and not keeping p this time, I encourage to to contact me and give me a little boot in the bootie to add more memories.

This is me

 This is me

I’ve been to a lot of places and done a lot of things.  I’ve done just about every kind of illicit drug you can imagine. Drank myself into stupor and woke up in places totally unfamiliar to me. I ran away from home at 17, traveled with a carnival, nearly killed in a motorcycle accident, and hitch-hiked to the west coast and back twice. I’ve lived in 6 different states, worked countless jobs, and been unemployed and homeless living in the basement of a church at one time and the kitchen floor of a crack house another. I’ve met and conversed people rich enough to pay off a portion of our nation’s debt and others so poor, a couple coins put in the palm of their hand brought a gleam to their eyes. I spent 24 years driving some of the nicest looking big rig trucks and hauled loads large enough that others move out of my way. I’ve driven to virtually every major city in the continental USA, on every mile of every interstate and most US highways. I’ve been overseas to Japan and Philippines, married and divorced twice, did my time in the military and in jail, and logged nearly 400 skydives. I’ve had so many bumps and bruises and broken bones and had so many lacerations sewn up with so many stitches, that it’s a wonder I’m still alive. I made a major career change at 47 years old, went back to college, made the president’s list and wound up where I am today.

Regrets you ask? I’m certainly not proud of some of the things I’ve done in my life and the regrets I have are few.  I’ve done a lot of stupid things. Some may say I wasted a good part of my life doing stupid things. But those ‘stupid’ things made me who I am today and brought me to this place in time. God was patient with me and has forgiven me for the poor choices I made and has blessed me with a new wonderful life. Today, I have more riches than most. I pinch pennies to make ends meet, wear socks with holes in them, buy my clothes at the thrift store and wear the same pair of shoes 7 days a week. But I have 2 of the greatest boys on earth who are responsible and respectful and I am proud to call them both my sons. My aches and pains are a consequence of my past and a constant reminder I’ll never be as young as I once was. I now admit my time is limited and will need to slow down to soak in what few memories I can find. My future is much shorter now and the end is in sight. But now I feel fulfilled knowing I have a legacy to be proud of, that will follow me.