Paradox

 First, let me say this is not my works. I remember many, many years ago I had this memorized and often recited it amongst friends. So how many years is many many? I honestly don't remember what time frame it was. My best guess would be my late teens to early 20's.

                -------------------------------------------------------

    Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bow-legged ants, I come before you to sit behind you and tell you a story I know nothing about. Admission is free, so pay at the door, pull out a chair, and sit on the floor

One sunny day in the middle of the night, two dead boys arose to fight. Back-to-back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A mute man shrieked at the fright, and a lame man danced at the ghastly sight. A deaf policeman heard the noise and came to kill the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, for he saw it too.

No Driving in the Ditches

 

I remember back my late teens I was working for a construction company. One morning, we’re on the highway, driving to the construction site out of town, and we’re behind a large box truck following a line of traffic that’s backed up because road construction up ahead. We’re just driving along about, I don’t know, 35 to 40 miles per hour, and suddenly, the straight truck shoots off to the right into the ditch and crashes. There were those few milliseconds that we wondered what was going on when we saw the line of traffic had come to a stop. Not paying attention or whatever, the truck driver did not respond or react soon enough, so he turned off suddenly into the ditch to avoid piling into the cars in front of him. We pulled over to the side and stopped and ran to the truck to see what we could do to help. The truck driver had a small gash on his forehead and was obviously shaken. I remember asking what he was hauling (thinking if it was hazardous). I don’t remember what he was hauling but it wasn’t hazardous. That’s all I remember of that event.

TV Dinners

 I remember as a child, TV dinners. I remember the commercials on TV, advertising them as a quick healthy alternative to cooking a 3 or 4 course meal. They carried the Banquet name and came in a aluminum tray with partitions for the main dish, side dish, and I think the 3rd was dessert. You cooked them in the oven, obviously, because microwave ovens weren't invented yet. I don't remember them tasting any different then they do now days and chicken with corn and mashed potatoes is the only one I remember-maybe because it was the only one I liked.

My Money My Bike

 I remember the first bicycle I bought on my own with my very own money. I was 14 years old and had been saving money from a paper route. And I finally had enough to buy my own bicycle. It was a blue 5 speed with the shifter on the hand grip. It wasn’t a Schwinn though. I really, really wanted to Schwinn but I couldn’t afford one just yet. Still, I felt so grown up going to the store, picking out the bike I wanted, and paying for it with my own money.

Penny Draws and Ink Stamps Where?

 

I guess you have to know Marvin to understand him. Marvin was my best friend during my party years from about 18 to 21 years old. Marvin was kinda tall and big-boned and came from a farming background in northeast Iowa. He wasn’t very physically attractive, but he was by no means ugly either. Marv did have an attractive personality though. Something almost magical about his charm that made it easy for him to hook up with attractive girls. Anyway, during those party years, our favorite place to hang out was a bar called the Circle in downtown Cedar Falls. They would have bands a couple of nights a week and cover charge at the door to get in. Marv and I were regulars there, so they knew us quite well.  One night there was a cover charge when Marvin and I went there and there’s lady sitting there at a table at the door to take cover charge. After paying your dollar, she normally would stamp the back of your hand, so they knew you paid to get in. Once, Marv asked the girl where she wanted to stamp him and she replied, “anyplace you want” so Marvin unzips his pants and pulls out his thing. She didn’t even bat an eye. She just stamped it and he zipped it up just like it was nothing. I about busted a gut laughing. That was a typical type of antic Marv would pull. Anyway, it was penny draws that night at the Circle. One penny would buy you a draw, or glass, of beer. We were putting them down followed by a couple shots of Tequila on the side. Sometimes if we were tanked enough, we were the first 2 on the dance floor. I really think the bar liked us as customers because we created a positive party mood and everyone had a good time. On this night, we would tell the barmaid, “Beers for everyone” and she’d go around and give a beer to everyone and it only cost us, I don’t know, a buck or something, at a penny a glass, but we had the honors of being able to tell others we once bought drinks for everyone in a bar. Good times.